Do not attempt to use the key-board without washing all crumbs and sticky substances from your paws. The mouse also does not work well if running over a patch-work of discarded food and other detritus (living or half-dead)

 Open the e-mail package with care and beware the exploding number of useless junk messages that all your friends have sent you

 Reply promptly to every message. The more grouchy you are feeling the more effective and succinct the reply

 Never bother to open attachments, they are probably using a format you cannot open anyway; they may contain a virus, or worse still a large spreadsheet which can only spell TROUBLE

 Always remember to 'top and tail' your note with either quaint formalities such as "I remain, respected sir, your obedient servant" (which should have died long ago), or pseudo American bonhomie, such as "hi" (so that everyone can know to shoot you on sight)

 Don't forget to forward all embarrassing notes and gaffes not only to your friends, but also upwards in the company - this not only clogs up the mail, but also makes sure that your correspondents have their careers completely blighted

 And lastly, don't forget that the email system cannot spell any better than you can!